Eurovision!

Here is my Eurovision blog. I wrote it as it happened, so everything is in chronological order.

1st up is Lithuania. A skinny guy in a suit and fedora. $10 says he has Backstreet Boys albums. That vibrato is just so 'Brian'. Hey wow, he's holding fire in his hand.
2nd is Israel. The first of the non-European Eurovision contestants. One of these girls looks like Paul Capsis, the cabaret singer. That's disturbing. "There must be another way" will be in my head come the end of the night.
(Correction, it's the end of the night and it's not. In fact, I can't remember how it goes.)

3rd is France. Way too much class in this entry to win. Apparently she's very popular in Eastern Europe, smart way to win votes sending someone who is popular in most of the voting countries.
4th is Sweden with a song in French and English. Oh dear, it's Popera. She's appalling. Worse at singing normally than in opera. Sounds like a drag queen. This won't be the first time for that tonight. Her facial expressions are priceless. She's very, very scary.

5th is Croatia. Oh good, models and a wind machine. What is with his boots? They ruin his outfit. Oh god, I like this. What is wrong with me?
6th is Portugal. Their set looks like a teletubby threw up. Their percussionist scares me.
Oooohh, Julia is talking to the Marlene Dietrich like French woman. I want her jacket. She's also bought her dog to the interview. That's just bloody awesome.

Iceland's entry is 18 years old and brought out her 1st album at 7. Oh look, a dolphin. This song would so chart here and she looks a little like Taylor Swift.
What is Joh Bailey doing at Eurovision? Oh wait, it's Greece. Oh god, we should all be ashamed. 2 Aussies wrote this. This is quintessential Eurovision. Bad tan and a truly awful song.

Armenia. "Sister, here we go!" Twins! Lasers! Belly Dancing! Costumes! Great!
Russia's entry looks like a sci-fi film. She's aging on the giant screens. Why has Russia entered a horror film?

Azerbaijan. What is a girl like her doing with a guy like him? And why is one of her legs gold? Pyrotechnics and contortionists, how very Eurovision.
Bosnia Herzegovina are clearly fans of My Chemical Romance. They supported the Rolling Stones? Oh, the emoting!
Sam and Julia have fabulous shirts. "Terry Wogan isn't doing it this year." and "Yes, we miss him too".

I want to go to Moldova. They seem like fun. Traditional dancers and some guy with a stick and streamers, randomly waving them in the background.
Malta. Wouldn't it be great if the Maltese got Peter Andre to represent them in Eurovision? This is this woman's 3rd go. Variety people!

Estonia's entry seems to be a doll-like model who can play violin. Estonia host a great Eurovision though.
Denmark. Ronan Keating helped write this. The guy sounds exactly like him too. EXACTLY.
The guitarist and Bassist high fived each other in the middle of the song. Awesome. Singer dropped to his knees for an aerial shot- more awesome.

Germany had Dita Von Teese and 2 Aussie dancers. Singer was American. Apparently they got Dita to tone down her striptease after exposing a little too much flesh in rehearsals.
Sorry, I was too busy looking at Turkey's legs to pay attention to the song. Shakira wannabe, but damn...

Albania seem to have their very own Nikki Webster and a blue coloured gimp and 2 dwarf breakdancing mimes. They really are the best kind of mimes...

Norway! They won tonight with a record points haul. I love that he said after he won that he didn't think he had a great voice and that the violin won him the competition.

Ukraine seem to have procured some gay centurions. "Baby, I could save your world, I'm your anti-crisis girl." Ahh, screwed up English, how I love you. Does she have a superhero costume with 'Anti-Crisis Girl' written on it at home? I certainly hope so.

Romania's singer looks like Natalie Bassingthwaite. Song is called "The Balkan Girls".
The U.K. suck as usual. Girl is ok but jesus, the song is just awful. Sounds like an idol winners song. In fact, sounds like Casey Donovan's winners song. Which is funny given Dianne Warren wrote them both. Boring talentless tosser.

We almost got to the end of the night without rapping and then Finland showed up. He looks like Bono crossed with Eminem.
Final act of the night is Spain. Looks like Linda Evangelista. Flat. Flat. Flat.

Hope you all had a wonderful Eurovision! Particularly everyone who went to Scotty's Eurovision party.

Sunday morning.

First sent to Dave as an email...

9.21am. Grandma: "Wake up, Vanessa (my aunt) will be here this morning and you'll need to be dressed." Lift up covers and realise I'm still dressed from yesterday and my jeans are cutting off the circulation to my legs. Go back to sleep.

9.34am. Grandma: "You aren't up yet." Me: "I've only had 8 and a half hours sleep." "Get up, they'll be here soon."

9.36am. Phone rings. Vanessa has cold. Won't be coming today. I go back to sleep.

9.40am. Grandma: "Can you here that bird call? What is it?" Half-awake, I realise I haven't a clue what it is. Stumble out of bed and out the back door. "You got dressed quickly," says Grandma. Cat follows us out. Lies on my feet. Bird calls again. No idea what it is. Now furious with myself, I go to the computer to look up MP3s of honeyeaters. Cat follows me. Lies on my feet.

9.48am. Bird calls again. Sounds like it has the flu... Bird flu! Shut door nearest me and the bird.

9.51am. Realise I have to go to the chemist today. Die a little inside. (They frighten me a little.)

9.54am. Do hair. Grandad remarks I look like a pigeon. I think I look like an oriental hooker. Tell Grandad he looks like a koala. He does. Grandad pretends to eat flower arrangment nearest him. "Mal, stop eating my flowers!" yells Grandma, who storms over grumbling.

10.00am. Decide to procrastinate by checking email. "You have holes in your clothes," says Grandad, "and you've put on weight." I wiggle my (apparently) fat arse at him and he leaves for work.

Clips of this week. (Part 1)

Before I start on video clips, I have to bring an ad to every one's attention. Particularly seeing as I keep busting out to it. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7S2tyjeXkE4

I am trying to get through more video clips. Here is part 1 of this week. Tell me if you know any of them. Even if all you want to do is shout at me for my taste in music.

The Offspring were on 2 Saturday's ago. Rage had a wild card special. I really like The Offspring. Not any of there 'Pretty Fly' era but before that was great. Song on this night was 'Gone Away' but a few weeks ago someone played 'The kids aren't alright' and I had it in my head for the whole week.

CSS programmed this week. I came in a little late.

The Number of the Beast by Iron Maiden has come on. I remember in 2002 System of a Down programmed and the bass player, Shavo, did the whole beginning bit to camera. It was very well done. More guys should be able to do that on request. That, and the spoken part of 'Thriller'.

Shakira's 'Wherever, Whenever' -possibly my favourite pop song of the last 20 years. Oh yeah, and she's really hot in this clip... I too, have small breasts no-one could confuse with mountains.

Beyonce's 'Crazy in Love'. Another hot lady with fantastic dancing and an awesome pop song. One of the dancers in this clip is now in the Pussycat Dolls.

The Donnas. A band I just can't get into. Same as the Sahara Hotnights, who were on earlier.

Hole 'Doll parts'. Haters can go to hell. Courtney Love is a goddess, particularly in the 90's. Brodie Dalle from The Distillers thinks so too.

The Kills... 1st mention of this band without the words 'Kate Moss' being said in months.

Sonic Youth... Yeah CSS, couldn't see that one coming.

The Cramps 'Naked girl falling down the stairs' A song I can't place. Perhaps it was in a few 90's movies.

Tilly and the wall. Cool that they have a tap dancer as a percussionist but I couldn't get into them either.

Elastica 'Connection'. Everyone knows the hook in this song, even if they don't realise it.

Bronski Beat remind me of Bros... No idea why.

The Cure 'lullaby'. Hurrah for Robert Smith's appallingly applied make-up. Does his wife wear makeup in the same fashion? CSS possibly 1st band in years to play 'Lullaby' and not 'Close to me' or 'Lovecats'.

CSS now segue from talking about the song 'Ladyfingers" to how disgusting the word 'Fishfingers' are

Kim Wilde's 'Kids in America' awesome...

'Wicked game' Helena Christensen's underwear in this is very unsexy.. Looks vaguely nappyish. How is Chris Isaak still single? Presumably his choice...

K.D. Lang 'Constant Craving'. Good song, but I like 'Summer fling' more.